I can't believe I'll have been a Momma for a month on Sunday. Time flies ridiculously fast when you have a newborn.
The first week and a half went by so fast partly due to the hydrocodone fog I was in. The day after I ran out of my prescription was the day I realized how strenuous Motherhood was actually going to be. That pain killer has a way of making you...well...not give a rat's ass. I was in Mommy Heaven with that drug. I still am, I guess, just a less high, more exhausted version of it.
You know, I keep going back to the day I had him. I literally remember every single moment of labor. Other Moms keep telling me that I wont remember it after a while. When exactly is "after awhile?"
I'm ready to forget now. I keep thinking about how I felt like I was being stared at by my Dad, Sister, and two Aunts while I writhed in pain.
See, Asher was posterior right up until the moment I began pushing. That means his little over 7lb self was pushing into my tailbone with every single contraction. The pressure of which I could feel through the epidural -- rendering it pointless. I was preparing myself for a cruel, unusual death.
Every word I overheard from other people in the room with me was enough to make me want to punch things but I couldn't cause I was all but paralyzed. I thought, in my irrational head, that they were talking about me. I thought that they thought I was being a baby. Which I wasn't, just so you know. I'm not even sure I shed one tear until I saw his little face...and then I shed like nine or ten before I was distracted by the two female doctors talking about my no-no-special place like it was no big deal that they were about to sew me up like a damaged teddy bear. I reminded them that I still had to find the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with, so they'd better do a good job.
Inappropriate? Probably. I was on drugs. Still, though, they assured me that they would fix me up real nice like. I liked those ladies.
Anyway, like I said, I'm ready to forget everything right up to the point I got to hold my baby for the first time. That moment, if you don't know already, is the single most amazing moment you will ever experience. I couldn't believe I had made a person. I couldn't fathom that a few cheap 3.2 beers and a bad decision with someone who should have remained "just a friend" could lead to something so...perfect. Inappropriate again? Sorry.
I can't wait to see what the next month will hold for Asher and me. I can't imagine life without him. It's like my life had no point before him. He makes everything make sense...which says a lot for me since I'm about as ADHD as a Chihuahua.
omgh!!! I know exactly how you felt/feel!!! Loden was that way all through labor and delivered that way!!!! I couldn't figure out why I felt.every moment of it (for I, too, got the epidural after.my bp went astronomically off the charts), but there was a nurse in training who turned it up too high, so after a few hours of retaining too much fluid in my legs (yes, they blew up!!) the other nurse turned it wayyyyy down & they never touched it again :/
ReplyDeleteanyways... yeah when I finally delivered him, after looking at mom defeated shaking my head that I couldnt do it ....they proclaimed in shock and awe (literally) "he is sunny-side up!!!" I for one, had no earthly idea what in the heck that meant, lol.... and as much as it hurt and I can remember every little bit of him inching his way down my spine and out of me.... I am thankful (after googling "sunny side up") that they didn't know he was that way.... cause apparently they do an emergency C-section.... after.countless hours of researching all the terms that were.thrown at me that afternoon... I finally realized why they were all so congratulatory (more than the normal, "yay, it's a boy!") towards me... acting shocked he was my first, that I was able to withstand the delivery (I kept thinking, like I had a choice not to?! lol), how amazing I was, etc......
it is because, Brittany.... we are the shiznit for having lived and conquered posterior deliveries :) you are very fortunate Asher flipped at the last second.... but man oh man!!! I know exactly how you feel! thanks for the post! && sry, for my mini one here.... haha. I can't believe I said shiznit. bwuahaha.
That was good to read but also terrifying. Travis wants me to be drugged up so i dont feel anything, but i have such a low tolerance to anything, im afraid the drugs are going to make me completly loopy and weird. I'm afraid of what i might say/do
ReplyDeleteGET THE DRUGS. haha. Whatever you feel will be a far cry better than without them. I didn't get the epidural until I was about 7CM dilated. I was wanting it far before I got to that point, but they were slow playing me like no other! You won't say or do anything silly. You'll just feel at peace, assuming your little baby isn't posterior like mine! You might even be able to get some rest!
DeleteYou were fantastic. And, if it makes you feel any better, we all tried to not stare at you when you were having contractions. We were just wishing that there were something that we could do. It is a horrible, helpless feeling when someone you love is in pain and there is nothing you can do.
ReplyDelete